I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize