theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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