so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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