Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
