It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
