i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
