Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
