Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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