im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
