Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
