I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
