The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
