I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
