Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
