Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
