I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
