we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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