i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
oh god was she eating orange peels again
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
