FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
