or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
