You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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