Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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