she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
