my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
