My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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