My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
