I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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