Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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