What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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