Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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