I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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