sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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