i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize