I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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