I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
