My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
