So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
