He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
