man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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