i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
