Already got asked if we're dating
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
