What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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