Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
