i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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