so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There r osticjed everywhere
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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