I puked a lego.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
