Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am spending my child support on dildos
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
