i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
