I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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