Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
