How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
