I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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