you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
