You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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