Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
